touched by a demon

On some days I wonder how it can be
that being me feels more like a burden than a blessing
when the sky is grey and the air is filled with the smell of rain
and i look up begging for rain so no one will see me cry
because i know the tears will flow, like they always do.
Locked in an invisible box, unable to connect with 
people and everything around me
In a room full of people and 
still I feel so lonely. 

I think about all the boys that broke my heart
my father leaving me, a man whose face I can’t remember but there are other parts of him that are branded in the depths of my brain, 
all the boys at school who tore my little heart apart every fucking day and
sometimes I still hear them laugh at me, 
I still feel their eyes on me waiting for me to fail -
and I always did, I always do

My whole life, a story of people leaving without looking back
my heart badly scarred, you wouldn’t even recognize it 
still I give away so much of me too easily
because I crave safety 
like a starving man craves food
and I long for love 
like someone I don’t wanna know